This might seem incoherent and disorganized but that is how the mind works and I think that editing this writing piece would make what I wrote inauthentic. I needed to just let it all out and hopefully someone out there will understand or know that someone else is having a bad day just like they are… Life just sucks sometimes.
People say you can’t have everything. You can’t be everyone you want to be in one lifetime. A jack of all trades can’t be a master of all. I hate limitations.
I don’t have a favorite genre of music, food etc. I change my mind a lot and I am scared of sticking to one thing because I don’t want to be stuck in one spot for the rest of my life. In this life, my biggest dream is to live the life of a thousand men! I mean that’s part of the reason I’m an Entrepreneurship major… that’s the reason I NEEDED to go to college in the United States. I wanted to experience a life away from everything where I could be and do whatever I wanted.
In my pursuit for an infinity, I have found that there is always a limit and I don’t know how to live with it. Even now that I have choices, time is my worst enemy and I can’t deal with it. Time has never been my thing and I still don’t know how to deal.
Time management you say? Even with time management I cannot do all the things I want and that is what saddens me most. I have four years to explore everything I’ve always played in my head and every day I realize that the world in my head is always better than reality.
Today I had a dilemma and the fact that had to make a decision that didn’t allow me to do everything is upsetting. I was able to get a small part in a play and Lord knows that I am the happiest for the minor roles that I play. But everything keeps getting in the way of everything!
I love school and I want to study and do well, that is why I’m here. I also want to remain in the clubs and organizations I’m in right now, I love them all and I can’t imagine parting from them! So it started with i2i, the time commitment seemed like hell, I was struggling to get enough sleep, get my work done and learn my part for the dance so I don’t embarrass myself. I2i worked out well. However, all the i2i practices I went for clashed with practice for the play; so it was i2i over the play because i2i was sooner. I managed to squeeze through it. Now the play is getting closer, finals are coming up and I have all this work to do all the time but I still want to be in the play and go for rehearsals… But it takes hours, I can’t leave early and my work remains. I used to go to bed at 5am but it’s just not something I want to do anymore.
*sigh* Maybe I should just give up on trying to get everything that I want… Live what I dread most.. The life of one. A life that I think is incomplete and does not experience life to the fullest.
To me life is like music, if you have a preference then you are missing out on too much. I don’t know how I’m going to live a thousand lives in this one but this is just not one of those good days… I’m sorry that I walked out of practice because I was given an ultimatum to stay or go do my work. I feel guilty because I have not been a very good team player. Perhaps it’s just a bad days but bad days tell you sometimes that something is wrong…
I don’t know how things will work out but as Shakespeare said, “all the world’s a stage and all men and women merely actors”. I guess I’ll see how my character plays out.
TTYL from the ramblings of a mind.